FMI: Tips for rednecks

[loaf]

TIPS FOR REDNECKS graemlins/49.gif

GENERAL
1. Never take a beer to a job interview.
2. Always identify people in your yard before shooting at them.
3. It's considered tacky to take a cooler to church.
4. If you have to vacuum the bed, it is time to change the sheets.
5. Even if you're certain that you are included in the will, it is still rude to drive The U- Haul to the funeral home.


ENTERTAINING IN YOUR HOME
1. A centerpiece for the table should never be anything prepared by a taxidermist.
2. Do not allow the dog to eat at the table, no matter how good his manners are.


PERSONAL HYGIENE
1. While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this is a job that should be done in private using one's OWN truck keys.
2. Even if you live alone, deodorant is not a waste of good money.
3. Use of proper toiletries can only delay bathing for a few days.
4. Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a social no-no, as they tend to detract from a woman's jewelry and alter the taste of finger foods.


DATING (Outside the Family)
1. Always offer to bait your date's hook, especially on the first date.
2. Establish with her parents what time she is expected back. Some will say 10:00 PM. Others might say " Monday ". If the latter is the answer, it is the man's responsibility to get her to school on time.


THEATER ETIQUETTE
1. Crying babies should be taken to the lobby and picked up immediately after the movie has ended.
2. Refrain from talking to characters on the screen. Tests have proven they can't hear you.


WEDDINGS
1. Livestock, usually, is a poor choice for a wedding gift.
2. Kissing the bride for more than 5 seconds may get you shot.
3. For the groom, at least, rent a tux. A leisure suit with a cummerbund and a clean bowling shirt can create a tacky appearance.
4. Though uncomfortable, say " yes " to socks and shoes for this special occasion.


DRIVING ETIQUETTE
1. Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles, even if the gun is loaded and the deer is in your sights.
2. When approaching a four-way stop, the vehicle with the largest tires does not always have the right of way.
3. Never tow another car using panty hose and duct tape.
4. When sending your wife down the road with a gas can, it is impolite to ask her to bring back beer too.
5. Do not lay rubber while traveling in a funeral procession.

[DrLewall]

Thanks Loaf..I can see where I was doing some of those wrong! Nobody ever said that I had to take her to school..always wonder'd why the school bus never stopped :rolleyes:

[rockyjeep]

Originally posted by Loaf:
2. When approaching a four-way stop, the vehicle with the largest tires does not always have the right of way........5. Do not lay rubber while traveling in a funeral procession. Now, these two are generally accepted in my town. I get the right of way most of the time, and it might be offensive to not lay drag with your red 1986 IROC Z28 with fresh primer on the hood and new greens doors at your kin's funeral..... :D :D :D

[Texas4X4]

the larger tires thing...thats true around here lol

[The Duke]

2. Always identify people in your yard before shooting at them.
3. Never tow another car using panty hose and duct tape.
4. When sending your wife down the road with a gas can, it is impolite to ask her to bring back beer too.
I would fail these 3 if not some other ones too..... graemlins/fart.gif oops tongue.gif :D

[Speed911]

Originally posted by Loaf:

4. Though uncomfortable, say " yes " to socks and shoes for this special occasion.Oh please, I was the ring bearer at my parent's wedding, and I said screw shoes, and by god I went down that isle bare feet and all with the rings in my hand

[loaf]

Originally posted by Speed911:
</font><blockquote>quote:</font><hr />Originally posted by Loaf:

4. Though uncomfortable, say " yes " to socks and shoes for this special occasion.Oh please, I was the ring bearer at my parent's wedding, and I said screw shoes, and by god I went down that isle bare feet and all with the rings in my hand </font>[/QUOTE]I refused to walk down the aisle at my brother's wedding when I was the ring bearer because my shoes hurt my feet. I think I was four years old at the time.

[Bubba B.]

4. When sending your wife down the road with a gas can, it is impolite to ask her to bring back beer too.


Ain't a Dang Gum thing wrong with that ........ besides, by the time she gets back, I'll probably be real thirsty.

[Speed911]

Originally posted by Loaf:
</font><blockquote>quote:</font><hr />Originally posted by Speed911:
</font><blockquote>quote:</font><hr />Originally posted by Loaf:

4. Though uncomfortable, say " yes " to socks and shoes for this special occasion.Oh please, I was the ring bearer at my parent's wedding, and I said screw shoes, and by god I went down that isle bare feet and all with the rings in my hand </font>[/QUOTE]I refused to walk down the aisle at my brother's wedding when I was the ring bearer because my shoes hurt my feet. I think I was four years old at the time. </font>[/QUOTE]hmm, let's see, i was 10. They got married the day after my 10th birthday. Sep 11, 2000, but I wasn't the only one barefoot, a few other firefighres were too, tuxes and barefeet, and one even wore a teeshirt with a tux printed on it lol :D

[Jeepbug]

Related joke...not meant to be a graemlins/hijack.gif

Three 5th graders, an Irish boy, Italian boy and a Redneck boy are in the playground at recess. One of them suggests that they play a new game. "Let's see who has the largest weenie," he says.

"Okay." They all agree. The Irish boy pulls down his zipper and whips it out.

"That's nothing," says the Italian boy.

He whips his out. His is a couple of inches longer.

Not to be out done, the Redneck boy whips his out. It is by far the biggest.

That night, eating dinner at home, the Redneck boy's mother asks him what he did at school today.

"Oh, we worked on a science project, had a math test and read out loud from a new book .. and during recess, my friends and I played 'The weenie game'."

"What kind of game is that, honey?" asks the mother.

"Well, me, Anthony and Patrick each pulled out our weenies and I had the biggest! The other boys say it's because I'm a Redneck. Is that true, Mom?"

Mom replies, "No, Honey. It's because you're twenty-one!

[Texas4X4]

bubba and billy were walkin throug the woods, when all the sudden bubba fell down and grabbed his chest and then passed out...billy pulled out his cell phone and called 911 and said HELP ME I THINK BUBBAS DEAD!!! the 911 operator said ok make sure hes dead....the operator hears a gunshot and billy said ok now what?